Reviving a young marriage can lead to a beautiful and live long relationship if both partners invest into it. Will start off by stating that, I am no marriage expert or claim to understand the complexities needed to revive a young marriage. But wanted to share my own views on the matter since I have some experience.
With almost 10 years of marriage under my belt, I thought I share an iota of wisdom that might help revive a young marriage or two out there. I do not profess to have it all figured out but take it one day at a time.
Counselling a Young Couple
I was on a church Zoom call recently and one of the elderly members shared of story about a young couple they are counselling. The couple are in their late 20s and have been married for less than 2 years but sadly, they were considering divorce.
He had counselled them before they got married and periodically after marriage. He feels a huge sense of guilt and blames himself somewhat for their urge to want to separate.
He’s wondered if he wasn’t a good counsellor or something he might have said during their many sessions has lead to their decision to contemplate separating. From the outside they look like a nice and loving couple but are dealing with many issues in their relationship.
With 30 years of marriage under his own belt, he feels deflated that his advice and wisdom has fallen on deaf ears.
There was no detail as to who the couple were and the issues they were dealing with but wanted to share some wisdom for young couples to help strengthen their marriage.
1. Revive a Young Marriage through Communication
Communication seems to be the solution to many relationship issues but it looks like we don’t know what it is and how to do it. I’ve come to realise that communication is not talking. You can live with someone for a year and not really communicate with them. When was the last time you ask your partner how they are really doing, their worries, fears, aspirations and more. We have what I call transactional chats which only focuses at the matter at hand. Talking about the kids, shopping, cleaning, bills but never really communicating with the other person.
I have three tips to help you communicate better with your partner which I picked up from my career working within agile teams. I recommend you do this weekly to ensure the weeds do not creep into your beautiful garden.
Three steps to help you communicate better
Give yourself about half an hour to talk through these questions. It’s a not a blame session but an opportunity to really communicate with your partner.
- STOP: What within your relationship is not going so well that the two of you or one person needs to stop.
- START: What would you like to see in the relation from both or one party to make the relationship a success.
- CONTINUE: What is going well that you will like to see continue for weeks and years into the future.
These simple questions should help start deep discussion within your marriage and highlight areas that needs work. Loving each other is not enough, you can to continuously grow as a team.
2. Seek Help to Revive a Young Marriage
Ask for help not because you are weak but you want to remain strong – LES BROWN
One thing I have learned over the years is, most relationships break down when one or both partners give up on it. In that situation, it’s just a matter of time but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Relationships are hard, period.
Always ask yourself why you got married. If there is a desire to work things out when the weeds begin to creep in, ask for help.
Seek professional advice from counsellors, those you both trust and guidance from above.
Many times we try to do everything on our own and it can be physically and emotional draining.
Talk to other couples and ask how they are dealing with certain situations. What has worked and what you can do. Educate yourselves on how to improve your marriage. Read books, documentaries and movies that highlight the challenges within marriages and how to resolve them.
You are not the first person going through whatever challenge you find yourself in. Issues with finance, child birth, infidelity, gambling, abuse etc, the list goes one.
We don’t marry our partner because of their flawless attributes but in spite of them. They will stress you out and cause you pain but when it’s all done, you love and are willing to forgive all their transgressions.
Marriage is not meant to be easy, always remember that. It takes hard work, patience and the desire to make things work in order to succeed.
3. Take Divorce off the Plate
Most people will get into a marriage but at the back of their minds, still have one foot ready to step out.
What would happen if both of you are fully committed in making the relation work.
I do not support staying in a toxic relationship but if the two of you truly love each other, then you should be able to face any challenge as a team. It’s the two of you against the world. Don’t let a third party in to break things up.
If divorce was off the table, how would that change the mindset you both have. Knowing truly that you are in for the long haul. Planning for your future together, getting a home, combining finances, investments etc.
Being truly open and not having a Plan B or a secret stash of cash just in case.
I believe doing so creates a psychological commitment that will wade away unnecessary issues. It improves your changes of having a happier live long marriage.
4. Yearly Vow Renewal to Revive a Young Marriage
We are only human and subject to being complaisant and forgetful. The tendency to take things that we have for granted. We forget the zeal we once had when we wanted that thing we now have.
This is common in relationships and on many occasions, one or both partners take each other for granted or forget why they got married in the first place.
Yearly vows is one of the most powerful things you can do to renew the love you have for each other. It allows you to reaffirm to your partner why you married and to re-commit to them in the marriage. Do this on your anniversary and create a calm atmosphere to make the moment special. Look into your partner’s eyes and speak to them. Remind them why you love them and the reason why you chose them forsaking all others.
This can be as long or short as you wish but it’s important that you do it.
After the wedding is over, and friends and family have gone home, then your marriage begin. The two of you are responsible for the success or failure of the relationship. Being accountable to each other will ensure you both don’t stray from your chosen paths. I wish you and your partner a happy and life long marriage. Take it one day at a time.